Essay #4

How can I put this? You know the expression “ya got shit in one hand and want in the other? See which one piles up faster!” Well in my case they seemed to both pile up pretty damn fast. Comparing the kid’s biological father to “shit”, my first love, and my first break up! The kids step father i would place with the “want”, which was the good guy who’d do anything for me and my kids, not money wise because he didn't have any but the love and care he offered was worth so much more. Don’t get me wrong they are the 2 most intelligent men I know, graduating at the top of their class, but there’s a fine line between intelligence and common sense! They both had one thing in common; they shared the role of being a father to my beautiful babies at some point or other and both were in a relationship with me. Matt may be a biological weekend warrior; per say “Father” a short buff tan man who perceives to be strong on the outside but in all actuality very weak on the inside. He does not know how to discipline or show any kind of human like feelings.  On the other hand, Jacob spends day in day out teaching them right from wrong, reading them stories, giving them baths, tucking them in, and spending quality loving time with them.  Jacob and Matt are two totally different people, where as it kills matt to outwardly express his feelings, instead runs and hides like a coward, and Jacob lets you know exactly how he feels, he genuinely cares about others feelings. Jacob has honestly earned that 5 letter word, even though not biologically their father, but he’s definitely there “Daddy”.  In summation, point being that anyone can be a father but it takes dedication, devotion and love to be a dad.

                Why? I may ask myself many times, did I have the capability of being with a man that constantly disappointed me time after time. I knew I loved matt, and had a strong forgivingness towards him, but why? Maybe I thought someday he would miraculously grow out of the lying and cheating, grow up and finally be the father he was supposed to be and hopefully someday be the perfect little family I had envisioned. Having known someone for many years, the first man I had ever loved and gave myself to and in the end not really deeply knowing the person at all. The man may be a veteran and all but he used the system for the wrong reasons. He was always the type of guy who never dealt with his issues and instead he thought by escaping them would make them disappear. Well he was wrong because by the time he came back he was still the father of them 2 children no matter what. In my head I wanted to desperately remind him that the years that have past had been a growing up point in my life where I chose to take responsibility and provide for my kids, meaning working my butt off to support them and actively be involved in giving them my unconditional love. I wanted him to realize that he just left me high and dry, but no matter how much I tried pounding it into his head he still refused to take responsibility and gave up most of his weekends with kids to go partying and pawned the kids off to his parents. What a man huh? You’d think coming back from war he’d have a better sense of family values but he didn’t and it absolutely infuriates me.

                Eventually, coming out of my indecisiveness of completely shutting this man out of my life I realized all along that all this time that I just wanted someone to see what love and joy my beautiful children can actually bring to a person and he was there all along. I made the mistake of treating him like I had been treated, but it wasn’t purposely to hurt him, but it did. I made him feel exactly how I felt and I’m ashamed of it. Jacob loved me and he adored the kids. Both of their first words were “dada” of course and who exactly do you think they were talking about! Yes, the one that was there day in and day out giving them love, playing with them and teaching them. He loved all of us unconditionally and would never do anything to hurt us. I have complete trust in him that he would never dream of lying or cheating on me. Down the road further he fought for them in court like a true man, he stepped up for them which in result was granted “Defacto-Parent” which pretty much means he’s earned the role and same exact rights and decision making just as if he was their biological father, considering the fact he had been with them since birth and provided for them just as much and more than their father had. We tried the adoption rout but god forbid their father be looked down upon by his peers, this tough soldier giving up the rights of his kids to another man, no way he’d rather still have the right of being their father and ignore the responsibilities he was supposed to have for them. His high class family, who played a big part in caring for the kids on his so called weekends, while in his mind, had better things to do. Even while he was overseas they took the part of taking them every other weekend just so that their grandchildren would still know who they were at least.

                We are the ones that teach the kids that it is important to learn in school, have routines, discipline and be able to make the right decision at difficult times. In our family it is very important to us that we all eat together at the supper table and it is that time that we talk about our day, discuss the things the kids have learned at school and congratulate them for their new knowledge. They look forward to us being proud of them for trying a new food, sleeping in their beds like big kids, drawing a pretty picture or even just out of the blue giving us a great big hug and saying how much they love us. We together as a team, taught them those things not anyone else.

                I look at how disconnected the kids father is and how much of their lives he is missing. But you know what, he made that choice himself and it would of been unhealthy for the kids to never know what the true love of a father meant. Someday, when he’s an old man sitting alone with nobody to talk to he will realize that the decision he made with his children was a huge mistake and that he is a complete and total loser, he made his bed and now he has to lay in it by himself. Karma comes back and bites hard, and I’m not so sure if I will feel one ounce of sadness for him because Jacob and I will be reaping in all the benefits of overwhelming love of our children and grandbabies. It goes to show, if you work hard at something all of your life by molding, nurturing and loving, in the end you are the richest person in the world. You did what you were set on this earth to do and succeeded.